At first I thought that the handcuffs required by the chauffeurs were pretty kinky, but when they started telling me about the rules, I became too excited about my chances of winning the dream vacation to object. The qualification procedures were grueling, but well worth the effort. I spent several days meeting with an application committee of my peers and introducing my acquaintances to them before I was awarded the grand prize. I became famous - an instant celebrity. After another kinky trip with security appropriate to my fame, I was provided with free leisure attire, introduced to the resort doormen who keep out the riff-raff, and directed to a single room prepared especially for me. I met some of the other guests, who assigned me my own "handle": Dipstick Dave. The rooms are private, so I have a lot of personal time ("solitary," they call it; I love the colorful terminology). I've been using my free time to send Wish-You-Were-Here chain-postcards to all my relatives, but I think most of them are too jealous to visit or write. Except my mother-in-law; she visited once, didn't say anything, but seemed awfully happy to see me here.
Guess what? There are two openings at the end my row. Occasionally, the current guest in Suite A (Suite A gets the best food) leaves and we're all shifted up the row. Well, that leaves an opening, for which YOU MIGHT QUALIFY!!! No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. Certain restrictions apply. Employees and relatives are eligible. You must be at least 18 years of age and as DUMB AS A POST. All you have to do is add your name to a chain letter and sucker in a few other posts. It's really easy. You'll lose money on the chain letter, of course, but think of it as an application fee. Send me a copy and I'll pass it along to the doormen. You may already have won!! You can't win if you don't enter the game. That's what I used to think. Send away today! No-risk! Guaranteed! This is an equal-opportunity scam. Winners list available. While quantities last. Allow 4-6 weeks.
Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here. Dave the Dipstick.