SCOUT: Good Morning.
OWNER: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
SCOUT: Ah, thank you, my good man.
OWNER: What can I do for you, Sir?
SCOUT: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Scouting For Boys" by Robert Stephenson Smythe Baden-Powell, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
OWNER: Peckish, sir?
SCOUT: Esuriant.
OWNER: Eh?
SCOUT: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
OWNER: Ah, hungry!
SCOUT: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Scouting activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
OWNER: Come again?
SCOUT: I want to buy some cheese.
OWNER: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
SCOUT: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
OWNER: Sorry?
SCOUT: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
OWNER: So he can go on playing, can he?
SCOUT: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
OWNER: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
SCOUT: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
OWNER: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
SCOUT: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
OWNER: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
SCOUT: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
OWNER: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
SCOUT: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
OWNER: Sorry, sir.
SCOUT: Red Windsor?
OWNER: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
SCOUT: Ah. Stilton?
OWNER: Sorry.
SCOUT: Ementhal? Gruyere?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Lipta?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Lancashire?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: White Stilton?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Danish Brew?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Double Goucester?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Cheshire?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Dorset Bluveny?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Camembert, perhaps?
OWNER: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir.
SCOUT: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
OWNER: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
SCOUT: Oh, I like it runny.
OWNER: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
SCOUT: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
OWNER: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
SCOUT: I don't care how blinking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
OWNER: Oooooooooohhh........!
SCOUT: What now?
OWNER: The cat's eaten it.
SCOUT: Has he.
OWNER: She, sir.
(pause)
SCOUT: Gouda?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Edam?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Case Ness?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Smoked Austrian?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Japanese Sage Darby?
OWNER: No, sir.
SCOUT: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
OWNER: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
SCOUT: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
OWNER: Fair enough.
SCOUT: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
OWNER: Yes?
SCOUT: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
OWNER: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.(pause)
SCOUT: Greek Feta?
OWNER: Uh, not as such.
SCOUT: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Parmesan,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Mozarella,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Paper Cramer,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Danish Bimbo,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Czech sheep's milk,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
OWNER: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
SCOUT: Aah, how about Cheddar?
OWNER: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
SCOUT: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
OWNER: Not 'round here, sir.
SCOUT: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
OWNER: 'Illchester, sir.
SCOUT: IS it.
OWNER: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
SCOUT: Is it.
OWNER: It's our number one best seller, sir!
SCOUT: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
OWNER: Right, sir.
SCOUT: All right. Okay.
'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
OWNER: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
SCOUT: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
OWNER: Finest in the district!
SCOUT: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
OWNER: Well, it's so clean, sir!
SCOUT: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
OWNER: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
SCOUT: Would it be worth it?
OWNER: Could be....
SCOUT: Have you --SHUT THAT BLINKING BAZOUKI OFF!
OWNER: Told you sir....
SCOUT: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
OWNER: Yessir?
SCOUT: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
OWNER: Yes,sir.
SCOUT: Really?
(pause)
OWNER: No. Not really, sir.
SCOUT: You haven't.
OWNER: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
SCOUT: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
OWNER: Right-0, sir.
The Scout takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
SCOUT: What a *senseless* waste of human life.